As I stood in the checkout line, an elderly woman and her daughter were bagging their groceries as the clerk was scanning them. The elderly woman put a box of milk and a carton of eggs in a bag, and the middle-aged daughter went ballistic. The daughter yelled for her to stop, told her she was stupid and grabbed the bag, and quickly removed the two items. The elderly woman was visibly embarrassed as the daughter continued to berate her loudly. Checking stopped, and customers looked at the scene with pity, anger, and sadness.
The checker knew I was a caregiver for my mother and gave me a begging look not to intervene. As I watched the daughter pay for her groceries and loudly usher the old, visibly embarrassed woman out of the store. Truly, smoke was coming out of my ears in anger. In my mind, this was a perfect example of when someone shouldn’t be a caregiver.
However, I began asking myself the usual questions; What occurred at home to make her so short with her mother? Was there trouble in her marriage, with finances, with children, or with a spouse? Caregiving can be extremely stressful, and something as simple as combining milk and eggs in a shopping bag might be the ending straw. Caregiving requires patience, and it takes a long time to develop patience to a point where simple errors don’t send you over the edge. Dealing with caregiver stress takes time.
Since the pandemic, millennials have become the largest group of caregivers. Prior to the pandemic, this age group leads a mobile, carefree life with nothing to tie them down or curb their appetite for adventure. Suddenly they found themselves not only tied down at home due to the lockdown but also tied down caring for another person. The social media chat rooms began to explode with millennial caregivers complaining they needed a break, their loved one had dementia, and the repetitive comments were causing them to have thoughts of hurting their loved ones. They complained that they weren’t prepared to deal with the occasional unpleasant tasks caregivers face. People on the chat, who obviously had no clue how to be a caregiver, suggested they seek therapy to cope. My question was, who is going to sit with Grandma while you cry on a couch to someone? Dealing with caregiver stress calls us to be emotionally stable.
But I understand the stress associated with caregiving is indeed real.For more on this topic, check out how to prevent caregiver burnout post-pandemic.
When I was faced with some difficult days, I learned to find balance. Balance is something as simple as stepping outside and getting some fresh air for a few moments. Taking a few moments to gather your thoughts and relax. Some people find balance in exercise or burning off stress, cooking, meditating for a few moments, or deep breathing. The calm associated with balance allows a caregiver to return to the task at hand.
Today, there are many resources available online to caregivers experiencing stress. Social media provides options to seek assistance, respite, or just advice when caregiving becomes stressful. Employers have become acutely aware when caregivers are faced with choices of staying home to care for an elderly relative or going to the office. The workplace has become flexible to alleviate caregiver stresses. If a caregiver finds they still need the help of a therapist, there is telemedicine.
Telemedicine is also a great stress reliever for finding assistance for you or your loved one.
In my book, One Caregiver’s Journey, I discuss the various levels of stress I encountered during the almost decade I cared for my mother in my home. The book is a snapshot I time of the realities of the changes and challenges caregivers face. Grab a copy on Amazon and check out my website www.onecaregiversjourney.com.
I have not witnessed another embarrassing scene at a store. I am sure I would not stand by idly again. It is the equivalent of watching a public admonishment of a child. It is embarrassing. Watching such unhappiness, short fuse, or stress transferred to another person is unnecessary in any scenario. Dealing with caregiver stress is a skill essential for every professional and family caregiver.For an important perspective on avoiding ableism and toxic positivity in caregiving, see Avoiding Ableism and Toxic Positivity.
FAQ: Managing and Overcoming Caregiver Stress
1. What are common signs that caregiver stress is becoming a serious problem?
The article illustrates a powerful example: a daughter publicly berating her elderly mother over a simple mistake like bagging groceries. This outburst is presented as a clear sign of overwhelming stress. Other signs include losing patience over minor issues, having thoughts of harming a loved one (especially common among millennial caregivers dealing with dementia), and feeling completely unprepared for the unpleasant tasks of caregiving. These indicate it may be time to re-evaluate the situation.
2. What are some simple, quick ways to find balance and relieve stress?
The author emphasizes finding balance through small, accessible actions. These include:
- Stepping outside for a few moments of fresh air.
- Taking time to gather your thoughts and relax.
- Engaging in exercise, cooking, meditating, or deep breathing.
The key is that the “calm associated with balance allows a caregiver to return to the task at hand.”
3. What should a caregiver do if they have thoughts of hurting their loved one?
The article offers firm advice: this is a critical signal for an “honest self-chat” about whether you are cut out to be a caregiver. It is described as “far more noble” to admit you need help than to try to cope in an untenable situation. Seeking therapy is mentioned, but the article notes the practical challenge of finding respite care to attend appointments, suggesting this may not be a simple solution.
4. Why is caregiving particularly stressful for the millennial generation?
The article explains that millennials have become the largest group of caregivers since the pandemic. Prior to this, they often led a more mobile, carefree life. Suddenly, they found themselves “tied down” at home due to lockdowns and simultaneously responsible for caring for another person. This abrupt shift, coupled with a lack of preparation for challenging tasks, has led to significant stress and burnout in this group.
5. Are there workplace or technological resources to help with caregiver stress?
Yes, the article highlights two key developments:
- Workplace Flexibility: Employers have become more aware of this challenge and are offering flexible work arrangements to help caregivers balance their jobs with care responsibilities.
- Telemedicine: This is cited as a “great stress reliever,” providing a convenient way for caregivers to seek therapy or medical assistance for themselves or their loved ones without the added stress of traveling to appointments.
6. What online resources are available for stressed caregivers?
The article mentions that social media and online platforms provide many options for caregivers to seek assistance, respite, or advice. It also references a related post on “how to prevent caregiver burnout post-pandemic” for more strategies.
7. Where can I find a long-term, in-depth perspective on dealing with caregiver stress?
For a detailed, personal account, the author recommends their book, One Caregiver’s Journey. Written over nearly a decade of caring for her mother, it discusses the various levels of stress encountered and serves as a “snapshot in time” of the realities, changes, and challenges caregivers face. The book is available on Amazon, and more advice can be found on the author’s website, www.onecaregiversjourney.com.
