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Eleanor Gaccetta shares a personal story about getting closure from unexpected death. While hers isn’t necessarily unanticipated, given she knew her mother’s health decline was severe, she still couldn’t have prepared for the loss that came her way.
Losing a parent is among the greatest heartbreaks people can experience. Given how they’ve been with their children at every step of their lives, their absence will leave a massive gap that won’t be quickly filled. In One Caregiver’s Journey, Eleanor’s NOT POST-PANDEMIC, written in 2019. memoir and guidebook, she shares her experiences to hopefully help readers cope with similar circumstances.
Getting closure from unexpected death comes with numerous obstacles. Is it possible?
How to Get Closure When Someone Dies Unexpectedly?
Death changes people. Whether it’s due to an accident or the onset of an acute disease, regardless of reason, getting closure from unexpected death is devastatingly challenging, even heavier compared to normal passing.
Practice Patience
Patience is crucial throughout the journey. When people lose a loved one suddenly, the initial shock can be overwhelming, prompting experiences of numbness, disassociation, or detachment. In this phase, they may start losing a sense of reality, committing mistakes, and feeling like they aren’t being themselves, which can be frustrating. This state can be confusing. It’s understandable and expected, especially after the disbelief and shock, but as they want to distract themselves from the pain, they also want to be as productive as possible. Reminding people to be patient with themselves in grieving is critical.
Accept Imperfection
Even after the initial shock and disbelief, life may feel slightly off. Grieving is a personal journey without a set beginning and due. It won’t happen uniformly for people. Instead, every individual has to process it at their own pace. Simply because a year or so has already passed and people start feeling better, like their days are finally turning up, this doesn’t automatically mean they’ve finally healed. Days like this can exist. But they can still have days where they’ll feel off—everything goes wrong, and they begin to feel significantly down. This happens, and it’s okay. Not everybody moves on quickly, and that’s fine.
Acknowledge Feelings
When the pain is too overwhelming, people often shut it out. In fear of them succumbing to everything, they suppress emotions and force themselves to feel okay. Dialing down any emotion an individual goes through is contradictory to what should be done to move on. Instead, people should allow themselves to feel and go through the roller coaster experience that is grief.
Write Thoughts and Emotions
Another way to ensure every emotion has been felt and processed is by writing them. When people are too afraid to express themselves physically, they can journal or write letters. They can log what they’re going through, the thoughts they have about the situation, and what they’re feeling throughout. They can always write letters to the deceased. Tell them whatever it is they failed to do when they were still alive.
Honor Their Memory
Getting closure from unexpected death is difficult because there will be too many unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Due to the abruptness of their passing, people left will always have regrets over and could-be’s—things that will no longer be possible to achieve. To find comfort, people can instead honor who their loved ones had been. Since they no longer have the chance to be someone else, the deceased should be celebrated for who they were. People can create memorials, share their stories, or donate under their name. This is one of the best ways to grieve as things are done to celebrate who the person was.
Rituals and Ceremonies
On top of honoring their memories, these individuals can have ceremonies solely dedicated to them. These days or activities commemorate not only the person’s memories but also what they’ve contributed to the family. These can be done by gathering the family and doing something the deceased individual loved doing regularly. This makes sure their memories are kept alive.
Practice Self-Care
While celebrating the life lost is a way to grieve, people should still remember they need to take care of themselves, especially when regrets and unfinished businesses are involved. However, eating well, sleeping enough, and fueling the body are still as important as getting closure from unexpected death.
Avoid Substance Abuse
To drown their emotions, hurt people often run to alcohol or other substances for comfort. This doesn’t only worsen feelings of isolation and grief. It can also lead people astray. This isn’t to say they can’t use this to try and ease their emotions. But they should still be cautious about the amount they’re consuming. They don’t want to suffer from the irreversible consequences of their choices.
Focus on the Present
While getting closure from unexpected death don’t forget to live in the moment. Nothing in the past can be changed. People shouldn’t look for what they could’ve done for their deceased loved one but focus on what they can do to improve their situation.
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the common reasons why people get frustrated in their grievance journey is because they think grieving is an easy and quick process—that moving on can happen just as quickly as the situation that put them in the situation. Instead, when people go into the process with an open mind, they’re able to grieve personally. They don’t have to compare what they do and how they do it with others.
Talk to Loved Ones
Talking about one’s feelings and thoughts has been proven beneficial in life in various ways. When it comes to grieving and getting closure from unexpected death, people are encouraged to talk about it with family and friends. They may not know the exact pain one is going through. But they can most definitely empathize with what one is feeling.
Seek Professional Help
Without a doubt, the perfect way to grieve is by expressing it. This means seeking help when necessary. Professionals can provide them with tools to guide their journey and symptoms. Asking for another hand or ear is highly beneficial for those burdened heavily.
Cultivate Gratitude
This step may seem out of place, knowing the situation at hand, but shifting the focus on life’s positivity can help ease the burden. Gratitude can help shift perspectives and remind people that there is still more to life than what’s happening. Focusing on positive aspects doesn’t mean people should neglect what transpired. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t feel sad. Instead, it’s a reminder not to succumb to this sadness and negativity.
Find Meaning in Loss
To help people overcome grief, they must find meaning in what they’re going through. Instead of focusing on what has been lost, they can shift to what they’ve gained—wisdom, experiences, and a guide. People can think about how the deceased influenced their lives and use their wisdom or experiences to guide their journey. This is another way of celebrating these individuals.
Embrace the Nature of Grieving
Grieving is a natural part of life. Given its temporary nature, life will give people multiple events to mourn and grieve about. . There’s no shortcut to grieving, and if it’s about getting closure from unexpected death, they must go through the whole ups and downs of the process. Loss creates a vacuum in people’s hearts that the deceased can only fill. Unfortunately, that’s already too impossible to happen. While lacking goodbyes may hinder people from moving on quickly, they shouldn’t focus on the past.
Like Eleanor Gaccetta, look into what the future has in store.
If you’re interested in reading how Eleanor coped with her mother’s death, grab a copy of her book One Caregiver’s Journey now!
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