My book, One Caregiver’s Journey, is a personal memoir that travels through almost ten years of caregiving for my mother. It is a conversational journal that allows the reader to feel as though they are sitting in my living room as I recant my long journey. If you are a caregiver or embarking on a caregiving journey of your own this book is a must read. It has been called a blueprint for caregivers as it describes the changes and challenges of being a caregiver over a long period of time. Life after caregiving ends is full of uncertainties that you never knew existed
My caregiving journey began suddenly after my mother broke her hip at the age of 93. I was forced to leave a 40-year career and become a sole caregiver for the next 10 years. There are numerous books and articles about caregiving which stress sharing the burden of being a caregiver. Post-pandemic caregivers are often juggling family and job responsibilities simultaneously. Trying to excel at any one of them becomes difficult and the stress on the caregiver often leads to illness of the caregiver in many forms.
My personal journey was different since I did not have a family or job to contend with and my journey was predominantly solitary. I lived in the confines of four walls for a long time. My book often describes how I clung to the notion that I had committed to this solitary life and complaining would not change my mother’s needs. Caregiving requires resilience and as I describe in my journey it also requires faith, humor, and love. My caregiving was by some standards not difficult because my mother was docile and gentle. I have witnessed the challenge and hardship of caring for someone who is combative and difficult. All caregivers must constantly be alert and make continual adjustments to accomplish their task at hand. The entire caregiving process is dependent upon the physical and mental health of the person they are caring for. What made my caregiving journey difficult was my mother’s age and how that changes the face of caregiving. And life after caregiving ends put me in a new and different situation.
My ten-year journey was not without difficult times. Today, I still wake up every two or three hours nightly because I became so conditioned to being up as much as I slept every night. Yet I am blessed with energy and resilience to move through my daily tasks without fatigue. To be sure, sole caregivers are on the clock 24 hours a day. My mother lived with me. The only time I had for myself was after I put her to bed at night and then, and only then, can your mind relax for a time. At that time, you make a wish that tomorrow will be another good day or a day without challenges.
I describe in my book that prior to being a caregiver I had a large social circle of friends. Although my mother had always lived with me, she was in good health. That meant that I would be able to spend time with friends with little notice. Once I began caregiving that was one of the first changes in my life. I could no longer leave the house on a whim as I had to ensure someone was available to look after my mother. She was using a walker, so her mobility was limited. Preparing her own meals was virtually impossible for safety concerns. That meant social outings had to be planned well in advance. People began moving on with their lives and I was no longer invited or included in social activities. People quit coming by the house to visit. My social circle shrank from a large number to the same three friends I have today. Ironically, they were all caregivers at one time or another and understood my new life. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I survived and am stronger and far more resilient today because we learn to live with the hand we’re dealt with. I am also more comfortable in my skin because I don’t need outside confirmation that I am on the right track for a good life.
But what happened after my mother’s death is where I met new challenges. My grief was one more of relief than sadness. My mother was 102, her health had failed in the last six months and the number of challenges I endured were settled by her passing. I look at her picture on the mantle often and say, “I wish you were here, but not the way you were.” Moving forward from my situation was different and challenges were not what most people experience after the loss of a loved one.
I had not been in a restaurant, a shopping mall, or movie theatre for nearly ten years. I had driven only to the grocery store and my mother’s doctor’s office. My wardrobe was simple and shabby consisting of t-shirts and shorts or leggings depending upon the season. I had no fashion sense since I didn’t go anywhere. I had lived apart from the real world and had little clue how to reintegrate back into a world that had moved on without me for ten years. So being confronted with traffic, new buildings, the costs of clothing, and entertainment sent me reeling. In addition to this I also had to remodel my home from caring for a 102-year-old. The feelings of anxiety and stress at most every outing became unbearable. I may as well have been living in a foreign country. My family began encouraging me to take the baby steps toward reintegration and helped me to appreciate how the world had changed. They often took me on rides into parts of the city that had changed the most. I will also be grateful for their help and support in guiding me to remodel my home and how to navigate contractors while looking for furniture, carpeting and paint colors.
Today I am still outside the circle. I don’t think anyone ever truly reintegrates into society after a decade of isolation. The traffic on highways has been one of the most difficult challenges for me. I have caught up with today’s world in many ways but still have a very small social circle. I am happy alone. I don’t need a lot of commotion in my days, but I am also happy to be in the company of family and some friends on occasion. I have met many new people some I like and some I don’t need in my life. People who have dedicated their lives to caring for others don’t generally get wrapped up in the petty issues of the day. You learn to look out for yourself and do what is in your best interests.
I invite you to grab a copy of One Caregiver’s Journey. It is available online at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and it can be purchased from my website www.onecaregiversjourney.com . Travel through my ten year journey and hopefully it will make your caregiver journey easier.
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